I don’t really want to die as much as I don’t want to exist. I just can’t express how I feel to anyone without hearing “sorry” or a thousand ways to fix it, or the semi rare “well what do you have to be sad about”.
I’m not a person anymore. No freedom or hobbies of my own. I work, I tend to children, I clean (when I can find the motivation to), I study. I can’t exist without someone wanting or needing something from me, or just being responsible for someone. There’s not a single moment where I can be impulsive and just go on a walk or go grab a cup of coffee by myself. When I don’t want to be alone, everyone is looking somewhere else. No one actually spends time with me except for my toddlers, and while that counts it’s not the same.
I know I should find ways to be happy in my situation rather than in spite of it, but really what’s the point. By the time this passes I’ll be too old and tired and probably bitter for anything to be meaningful anymore.
I’d never hurt myself but I also wouldn’t mind a force of nature bringing the end a little faster than it’s going right now.
KB & Family 